Why Your Nervous System Might Be Sabotaging Your Relationship: And How to Heal It

Dillon Andres
Jun 4
5 min read

Introduction: Love Isn’t the Problem. Safety Is.

You’ve done the inner work, right? You know your love languages. You can spot a red flag in 0.2 seconds. You're emotionally intelligent, successful in your career… So why is it that when someone genuinely shows up for you—kind, consistent, emotionally available—you suddenly feel like running? If you’ve ever found yourself shutting down just as things start to feel safe, this isn’t just “fear of commitment.” You might not be broken. You might just have a nervous system that doesn’t feel safe with love.

In this blog, we’ll unpack the real reason love can feel like a threat to high performers and overthinkers—and exactly how to regulate your nervous system so you can stop pulling away from the very thing you crave.

Silhouette of a person holding a glowing, child-shaped figure in cupped hands. Warm, golden background, creating a serene, mystical mood. — Holding Who I Once Was

The Real Reason You Flinch at Emotional Intimacy

We often think the problem is who we keep choosing. But what if it’s actually the pattern your body keeps repeating?

According to Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory, your nervous system constantly scans your environment for cues of safety or threat—even when you're unaware of it. This subconscious surveillance is called neuroception.

Your nervous system flips between three core states:

Social Engagement: You feel grounded, connected, open.
Fight or Flight: You're alert, anxious, or defensive.
Freeze/Shutdown: You go numb, detached, or shut down entirely.

So even if love looks good on paper, your body might still sound the alarm.

Why? Because it remembers.

How Past Relationships Program Your Nervous System

If you grew up in an environment where love was unpredictable… Where you were shamed for showing emotion… Where affection had to be earned through success or compliance…

Then your nervous system learned that connection = danger.

Even small moments leave big imprints:

A parent going cold when you needed comfort
Being told to "toughen up" when you cried
Feeling only seen when you succeeded

These memories aren't always stored as stories. They’re stored as sensations. So when someone new shows up with warmth and consistency, you don’t feel calm. You feel suspicious. On edge. Uncomfortable.

Not because you're broken—but because your nervous system is trying to protect you.

High Performers, Overthinkers, and the Illusion of Control

Let’s zoom in on our people: The high achievers. The confident professionals. The ones who can pitch, lead, and execute with ease.

But the second your partner asks, “What’s really going on with you lately?” You freeze. You deflect. You shut down.

Why? Because success offers certainty. Vulnerability feels like exposure.

You’ve built your worth on performance. So when someone offers love without asking you to earn it… Your nervous system short-circuits.

You start pulling away. You tell yourself:

“I need more space.”
“They’re too into me.”
“I’m not sure they’re the one.”

But what’s underneath that? A nervous system whispering: “We don’t trust this yet.”

Even the Best Relationship Can’t Out love a Dysregulated Nervous System

This is the truth bomb no one tells you: You can meet the most emotionally safe, loving partner—and still sabotage it.

Because your body doesn’t feel safe. And your body will always win.

Healing isn’t about finding “the right person.” It’s about creating internal safety, so when that person shows up, you don’t flinch.

My Story: When “Nice” Felt Numb

I used to believe all women were the same. Warm at first. Distant later. So I’d meet someone great, feel the spark—and then start disappearing from my own life.

I skipped the gym. Cancelled on friends. Stopped playing guitar. Abandoned the parts of me that made me feel alive—trying to become who I thought they’d want.

Spoiler: It didn’t work. I lost myself. And I lost the relationship.

What's worse is I grieved not just the breakup, but the version of me I kept betraying just to feel loved.

Client Story: When Love Feels Like Overextending

One of my clients went through this exact pattern.

After a divorce that left him drained and criticized, he met someone new. She was emotionally available. Kind. Patient.

But soon, he started over giving. Shrinking. Self-abandoning. Not because she asked him to. But because his body remembered: “Love means disappearing to be accepted.”

When she eventually pulled back, he panicked. But through our work, he began to reconnect with his power—not by fixing the relationship, but by rebuilding his nervous system baseline.

He returned to the gym. Picked up new hobbies. Stopped texting from panic. Started living from presence.

And the wild part? The less he chased, the more she came back. Because neediness wasn’t who he was. It was just a scared part of him asking not to be abandoned again.

So How Do You Regulate a Nervous System That’s Wired for Survival?

Here’s what worked for our nervous system and relationships—for both of us:

🧊 Cold Therapy

Think of it as your body’s reset button. It teaches your system how to feel discomfort without panicking.

🧘‍♂️ Meditation

Not to escape your thoughts. But to finally meet them—without judgment.

🌿 Nature

The original nervous system whisperer. Walks. Wind. Birdsong. Grounded presence.

✍️ Journaling

Not fluffy gratitude lists. Raw, real, reflective writing.

🧸 Inner Child Work

Speak to the scared version of you who flinches at love. Validate them. Reassure them. Reparent them.

💪 Movement

Not just for aesthetics. But to feel powerful in your body again.

It’s not about doing everything every day. It’s about doing something—especially when you need it most.

The Reframe That Changed Everything

Here’s the shift:

Discomfort ≠ Danger
A Trigger ≠ Relapse

Triggers are just check engine lights on your emotional dashboard. They don’t mean you’re broken. They mean something wants your attention.

Emotions aren’t enemies. They’re maps.

And when you learn to navigate those maps with self-trust instead of fear… You stop running. You stop disappearing. You start showing up fully.

Final Thoughts: Love Doesn’t Have to Feel Like a Threat

Healing your relationship with love doesn’t mean becoming perfectly healed.

It means becoming safe enough to stay present—even when it’s scary.

You don’t need to fix everything to be worthy of love. You just need to stop vanishing when it finally arrives.

And if self-trust feels hard right now? That makes perfect sense—especially if you've spent years outsourcing your worth.

But trust is built in the small moments. Not through force. Through daily check-ins with yourself.

That’s why I created a free tool called the Daily Self-Trust Check-In—a 5 to 10-minute practice to help you reconnect with your needs, emotions, and body every single day.

👉 [Download your free copy here.] https://itstimeto.live/self-trust-daily-check-in