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Fifteen, Fat and Feeling like a Reject

This was my story about half my lifetime ago. I remember it as if it was yesterday. Standing at the bottom of the stairs in my childhood home staring at myself, shirtless in the mirror. I didn't have words to describe what I was looking at. All I knew was I had to make a change. To this day I can remember the feelings of inadequacy and resentment.

You’re not alone

That was the day I decided I had enough and needed to start making different choices in my life. I had been bullied and bugged for my weight for so long that I believed I should have been “numb” to that feeling by that point. Unfortunately, this was not the case. The scars felt just as fresh as the day they were made and it only solidified my identity as a reject each time I was reminded of them. Bullying was only about half of my concern. What really confused me was the lack of feeling accepted. It was fairly simple for me to make friends. Yet, there always seemed to be this lingering feeling that the friendships were formed out of convenience due to growing up in a small town. Don’t get me wrong, I'm thankful for the memories and lessons learnt. However, that familiar feeling of being an outsider or a black sheep would eventually manifest with time.

"The scars felt just as fresh as the day they were made and it only solidified my identity as a reject each time I was reminded of them."

How I Found My Confidence

I wish I had some sort of “Find your confidence in 7 days,” formula bullshit for you…. but I don’t. Only the simple raw truth - and it’s a truth that not everyone likes. Are you ready for it?? —------>

It takes time, patience, and work; the result is based on the effort and intention we put into them. FFS right? Probably an answer you already heard before. Admit it though, there was still a piece of you hoping for an “Easy way.” I get it. However, even though there is no ‘easy’ way, I’m going to share with you what I believe to be the “3 pillars of well-being”, and the order in I discovered how important each of them is:

Physical movement - This one was probably a no-brainer. I was fat so I needed to exercise. Lifting weights was my main choice. I discovered a love for pushing my body to see what it could adapt to (sometimes/often way too far). This has looked very different for me over the years as goals changed or shifted. Bodybuilding, powerlifting, and boxing were 3 primary choices.

What I discovered with this specific pillar was that even though my body was changing and I was feeling better about how I looked, there was still something rooted deep down that was getting at me. It was as if I “plucked the weed from my garden,” but because the root was still there, so was my feeling of inadequacy.

Health - Health is paired with physical movement. Well, I believe it should be anyway. Many people choose to do one or the other. In hindsight, pairing them together is more like multiplying the benefits as opposed to simply adding them. Give the body good fuel and performance will increase. Health includes anything we put into our bodies. Everything. From food to supplements to vitamins to prescriptions. I’m not going to get too deep into diets and whatnot in this article, but I'll leave you with my 3 golden rules;

1) Consume as natural as possible

2) If ya can’t kill it or grow it, Don’t eat it

3) Maintain at least an 80/20 ratio

(80% of what you consume will fit directly into the first 2 rules, 20% may fall outside of the guidelines. Stay strict 80% of the time and allow some wiggle room 20%).

That’s it. Pretty simple if you ask me. However, we both know that there are many people out there who like to overcomplicate things in an attempt to ‘reinvent the wheel.’

Okay! Now we’re here. I should be feeling amazing, right? Then why the fuck did I still not feel good enough?! Oh, that’s right… After about 10 years of chasing a feeling of worthiness and happiness through a big bench press, six-pack abs or a healthy bowel movement, I realized this one golden nugget that changed my entire life and how I look at it -

**The problem wasn’t the problem. The problem was my relationship to the problem.**

Uhmmm, what?? Yeah, that’s right, you read that correctly. I realized that if I couldn't cultivate the feeling of ‘good enough’ right now, the 6 pack wasn’t going to do it for me either. I had to change the way I looked at everything. I had to explore the root behind why I didn’t feel good enough. This is when I began to truly understand the importance behind this third pillar of well-being, self-awareness. This includes, Emotional, mental and spiritual health.

Self Awareness - Just like the second ‘health’ pillar, I'm not going to dive too deep here otherwise we’d be here all day. At its core, self-awareness is the process of asking ourselves questions to get to the root of how and why our thoughts and feelings are programmed the way they are. Where I personally fell short in this practice for so long was the fact I was asking myself the questions, but I wasn’t actually answering them. I would read all these self-help books, watch videos and consume content believing that I would one day be magically “fixed/healed.” Nope. I placed this expectation on myself over and over with no results met other than further frustration and resentment. Boy, I was sure tired of still feeling shitty towards myself.

It wasn’t until I actually started doing what the self-help books and courses told me to do that I began to feel and see life differently. That’s the key. We ACTUALLY have to take the action needed to create the life we want. This is self-awareness at its core. Ask questions, take action, learn from experience, repeat.

I’ll leave you with this question to ponder on; If I were to give you a book on how to ride a unicycle and you were to read it cover to cover to memorize it, would you know how to ride a unicycle?? No, you wouldn’t. You would understand the process of it. However, until you hop onto that son of a bitch and practice it, you won’t be getting too far. Remember this the next time you hold yourself back because you feel like you don't have everything figured out. How are we supposed to know how to do something if we’ve never done it before? We try something new and unfamiliar, then we learn from our mistakes when they’re made. Then we do it all over again.

We can never fail if we never give up.

This was a 15 year process. The importance of each of these 3 pillars was learnt approximately 5 years apart leading to today (the time I’m writing this). In my opinion, start with the 3rd pillar of self-awareness. Ask yourself the tough questions and seek answers. Then you won’t waste the same time I did chasing that feeling of adequacy through an ever-changing goal. Hell, even commenting below with a question on how to get started would even be considered a step forward. With self-awareness, the importance of health and physical movement will be understood and you will be able to actually enjoy your journey to health instead of building resentment.

I understand this feels easier said than done. Just remember this discomfort is simply because the thought of taking action on what we truly want is unfamiliar. That's why people like myself are here. If you are ready to take back and own your life to finally live it the way you truly want to, let's chat, click here to see what kind of magic we can make together. I look forward to hearing from you.

Follow me here ---> to stay up to date with relevant tips to heal your relationship with yourself.

Much love, - Dillon AKA Coach Wolverine

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