Anger is one of the most powerful and misunderstood emotions we experience. Often, when we feel anger, we might direct it outward at others or turn it inward toward ourselves. But have you ever paused to ask: Who and what is my anger REALLY directed toward? What part of me is hurting? In this article, we explore the complexities of unresolved anger, how it affects our relationship with ourselves, and others, and practical strategies for transforming it into healing and growth.
Understanding the Root of Anger
Anger often masks deeper emotions, such as sadness, betrayal, or fear. At its core, it’s a response to perceived injustice or unmet needs. Yet, when unresolved, anger can become a persistent weight that negatively impacts our mental and emotional well-being.
Who Is Anger Really Directed Toward?
When we feel anger, it’s easy to blame external circumstances or individuals. However, this emotion often reflects internal pain or unmet expectations of our own. For many, unresolved anger points back to wounds from childhood or past relationships. Recognizing this connection is the first step to healing and letting go.
The Dangers of Internalized Anger
When anger isn’t addressed, it can manifest as self-criticism or self-destructive behaviours. Instead of acknowledging the external trigger, we might falsely believe we’re at fault.
My Personal Experience With Internalizing Anger
In the past, I directed my anger inward. I convinced myself that negative experiences were my fault and that I was undeserving of the happiness I sought. This toxic narrative led to behaviours like overexerting myself at the gym under the guise of “intense training.” While fitness was a productive outlet on the surface, its foundation was built on self-loathing and hate.
Recognizing the Victim Mentality
A victim mentality can develop when unresolved anger festers. It keeps us stuck in cycles of self-pity and resentment, hindering our ability to grow. While it’s important to honour your emotions, remaining in this state for too long can prevent true healing.
Transforming Anger Into Growth
Acknowledging your anger is crucial, but what comes next determines its impact on your life. Rather than suppressing or ignoring it, consider these strategies to channel anger into positive transformation:
1. Identify the Emotion Behind the Anger
Often, anger is a surface-level response to deeper feelings like hurt or disappointment. Reflecting on these emotions can help you understand their origin.
2. Change Your Relationship With the Problem
If you cannot change the situation that triggered your anger, focus on altering your perception of it. Reframing your perspective can help reduce its emotional weight.
3. Use Anger as a Catalyst for Action
Channelling anger into constructive activities—like creative projects, advocacy, or personal development—can transform negative energy into positive outcomes.
The Role of Forgiveness in Releasing Anger
Forgiveness is often misunderstood as condoning the actions of others. In reality, it’s about freeing yourself from the burden of anger and resentment. Forgiveness allows you to reclaim your emotional well-being and move forward.
A Real-Life Example of Forgiveness
Nearly a decade ago, I grappled with anger stemming from a betrayal involving a close friend and a romantic relationship. For years, I carried this weight. Knowing something felt off or wrong, but too afraid to confront it. When I finally did, I found the closure I needed. By accepting their choices and forgiving both them and myself, I was able to release my anger and find peace.
This wasn’t an easy task. Like I said, I carried this weight for nearly an entire DECADE. It wasn’t until the discomfort of holding onto this anger became greater than the discomfort of addressing the problem that I was able to take action and reach out for closure. The truth was able to set me free. However, it wasn't only Them I had to forgive. I had to learn how to forgive myself. For nearly a decade, I continually tortured myself with the belief that whatever it was that happened between them, I deserved.
The Healing Power of Self-Forgiveness
Self-forgiveness is perhaps the most transformative aspect of healing unresolved anger. Many of us are our own worst bullies, carrying guilt and shame unnecessarily. By forgiving yourself, you open the door to self-compassion and emotional freedom.
How to Address Unresolved Anger
Addressing unresolved anger is not a linear process, but it is one that fosters profound healing. Here are actionable steps to begin:
1. Journal Your Emotions
Writing down your thoughts can help you untangle complex emotions and gain clarity. Ask yourself questions like:
What triggered my anger?
Who or what is this anger really about?
What part of me is hurting?
2. Seek Professional Guidance
Sometimes, anger stems from deeply rooted issues that require professional support. Therapists or life coaches can provide tools and techniques to navigate these emotions.
3. Practice Mindfulness and Meditation
Mindfulness helps you stay present and observe your emotions without judgment. This practice can reduce the intensity of anger and provide a sense of calm.
4. Engage in Physical Activity
Exercise releases pent-up energy and can help process anger in a healthy way. Choose activities that feel empowering rather than punishing. (Don’t do what I did—punish myself in the gym by destroying my body to the point I couldn’t function. Always train and take care of yourself from a place of love).
Embracing Acceptance and Letting Go
Letting go of unresolved anger doesn’t mean forgetting or minimizing your experiences. Instead, it’s about accepting the past, learning from it, and moving forward. Acceptance helps you regain control over your emotions and focus on living a fulfilling life. Changing our relationship with our memories empowers us to take control of how we feel and show up in the moment of now.
The Role of Empathy in Releasing Anger
Cultivating empathy for others can shift your perspective. Recognizing that people often act from their own pain or limitations can help you release resentment and foster forgiveness.
I understand that sometimes this can be difficult. this is exactly how I had to reframe my thoughts and feelings around the happenings of my ex-romantic and past friend. yes, their actions hurt my heart. However, now that I'm a little older, and wiser, and have been doing the Deep work— I understand that their actions came from their own place of limitations, inner struggles and hurt.
Conclusion: Turning Anger Into a Source of Strength
Unresolved anger can feel overwhelming, but it also holds the potential for growth. By acknowledging your emotions, exploring their roots, and choosing forgiveness—both for others and yourself—you can transform anger into a source of strength and resilience. Remember, your emotions are valid, but they don’t have to define you. Use them as stepping stones to build a life of peace, purpose, and self-compassion.
If anger is something you struggle with, begin by going back and exploring the journal prompts outlined in this article.
If you're ready to go deeper into understanding your relationship with your Inner Child grab my FREE eBook, 30 Days to Know Yourself,
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-Dillon "Wolverine" Andres
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