Living by Other People’s Rules Is Why You Feel Stuck and Why Home Feels Distant
- Dillon Andres
- Jan 23
- 5 min read
If you feel stuck… it might not be your work ethic
For years, I thought I had a marketing problem.
I thought I needed better structure. Better keywords. Better hooks. Better strategy. One more checklist from one more expert. Then maybe everything would finally click.
But the truth hit me way harder than that:
I wasn’t stuck. I was living by other people’s rules.
Not just in content. In how I measured my worth. In how I tried to be “acceptable.” In how I tried to do life “the right way.”
And when you live by borrowed scripts long enough, it costs you more than traction. It costs you peace, creativity, and the version of you that your partner and kids actually need at home.
If you’re a high performer who’s done everything “right” on paper but still feels off—this is for you.
What “living by other people’s rules” actually looks like
It’s not always obvious. Most of the time, it sounds like responsible thinking:
“I just need one more video before I start.”
“I should be thriving on social media if I’m a real coach.”
“If I don’t do SEO/hashtags perfectly, it won’t work.”
“If I show up raw, people will judge me.”
“I need the perfect decision.”
That’s the loop.
And the loop has a name: analysis paralysis—overthinking to the point that you stall, not because you’re lazy, but because the pressure to get it “right” makes action feel unsafe.
It’s perfectionism wearing a productivity mask.
The hidden cost: you lose your edge
When I tried to force myself into a mould—platform rules, templates, “the right way to show up”—it didn’t just frustrate me. It slowly drained the exact things that make a man dangerous (in a good way):
You lose inner peace
Your mind runs a mile a minute because you’re trying to satisfy everyone:
the algorithm
the audience
the experts
your own inner critic
That pressure creates constant noise.
You lose creativity
Creativity needs room to breathe. Perfectionism suffocates it. And research backs the broader idea that concerns about mistakes and doubts about actions can reduce creative output and freedom.
You lose momentum (no expansion)
You start confusing consuming with building.
You end up with a library of information… and no evidence that you can actually move.
Why this turns into a relationship problem — Even if you swear it won’t.
Here’s what happens when you run a borrowed script all day:
You come home with nothing left.
Not because you don’t love your partner. Not because you’re a bad guy. But because you’ve been performing.
And when you perform at work all day—strong, composed, useful—you often go into shutdown at home. You scroll. You distract. You give headlines instead of truth.
This isn’t just my opinion. There’s research showing workload can spill over into relationship satisfaction over time—especially affecting the partner’s experience. Other research has linked partners’ long work hours to stress, less time adequacy with a partner, and relationship outcomes.
Translation in normal language: your work mask doesn’t stay at work.
And the people you love end up getting the leftovers.
“Where your fear is, there is your task”
I’m big into Jung. One line that keeps showing up for me is:
“Where the fear is, there is your task.”
And for me, the fear wasn’t “raw content.”
The fear was letting raw be enough.
Because I want to show up uncut. I want to ramble a little. I want to talk like a human. That’s how I’ve always created best.
What I was resisting was the moment where I stop trying to earn approval from “the rules” people… and I just trust myself.
Because the second you drop the polished template, there’s nowhere to hide.
No perfect structure to lean on. No “SEO excuse.”No “algorithm excuse.”No safety blanket.
Just you, saying what you actually mean.
And that’s the real enemy for most high performers:
Not laziness.
Exposure.
The real reason you keep following scripts: being seen used to hurt
A lot of us learned early that being visible wasn’t safe.
For me, it looked like bullying and ridicule when I was “in the spotlight.” So I learned to stay small, stay controlled, stay perfect… or at least stay invisible.
Then as adults we call it “standards” and “strategy.”
But it’s often the same old rule:
Don’t be seen unless you can guarantee approval.
And that rule will quietly destroy your relationship, your creativity, and your life—because nobody can be real while trying to be untouchable.
Authenticity isn’t fluffy — it’s fuel
People love to roll their eyes at the word “authentic.”
But authenticity is strongly linked to well-being and engagement across a big body of research.
That’s why the “raw post” hits harder sometimes than the polished one. People are tired of performance. They want something that feels human.
And you want the same thing too.
Because even if you “win” with a script… You lose yourself.
The simplest self audit question I use
If you want to find where you’re showing up inauthentically, here’s the blunt question:
Is it a f*ck yes? Because if it’s not… It’s a hell no.
No “maybe.” No “sort of.” No, “I can convince myself.”
High performers live in grey because grey feels safe. Grey lets you avoid commitment and avoid accountability.
But your gut knows.
The “maybe” usually means you’re negotiating with fear or approval.
Practical fixes : without turning this into a self help lecture
You don’t need 47 steps. You need reps.
1) Name the script you’re running
Write it down. Literally.
Examples:
“I have to grind to be worthy.”
“If I’m not growing online, I’m failing.”
“I can’t be messy or people will judge me.”
“I should handle everything alone.”
2) Track the cost (make it undeniable)
Don’t keep it vague. Get specific:
What is this costing my peace?
What is this costing my creativity?
What is this costing my relationship?
What is this costing my leadership at home?
When the cost is clear, the script stops feeling “normal.”
3) Replace performance with one honest rep
This is the rule I’m living by right now:
One take. One truth. One lesson.
Not as a content hack—as identity training.
Because confidence isn’t something you think your way into.
Confidence is evidence.
And evidence comes from doing the thing while your heart’s racing.
The takeaway
If you feel stuck right now, don’t automatically assume you need more discipline or a better plan.
Ask the real question:
Am I stuck… or am I living by other people’s rules?
Because the more you follow a script that isn’t yours, the more you lose your real voice.
And when you lose your voice in one area, it leaks into the rest:
you stop creating
you stop connecting
you stop leading
you start performing
Closing challenge (simple)
Today, pick one place you’re being “maybe.”
Then run the test:
Is it a f*ck yes?If not, stop negotiating.
And if you want to take one rep this week:Say one honest sentence out loud—at home, at work, or on camera.
Because that’s where your life starts changing.
-Dillon Andres
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